


Accidents and Apathy at Apothecary Arcane

by Shoulder_Devil



Category: Original Work
Genre: Customer Service, Drabble Collection, Eyes, Gen, Magic, Non-Linear Narrative, Potions, Potions Accident, Shrinking, Synesthesia, Terrible Customers, Time Travel, Trick or Treat: Treat, covered in hair, incident reports, sinister government operatives, supportive managerial staff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-18 03:10:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16109552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shoulder_Devil/pseuds/Shoulder_Devil
Summary: A series of customer service interactions and accompanying incident reports dealing with magical mishaps accumulated by the clerk at Apothecary Arcane.





	Accidents and Apathy at Apothecary Arcane

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shadaras](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadaras/gifts).



The Apothecary Arcane entry bell sounded followed by the slam of hardwood against plasterboard. The combined sounds deposited the aftertaste of chocolate orange on the clerk’s tongue. Pleasant as that was, slammed doors were never a good sign. At least the wards hadn’t triggered. The fuming blond woman storming over was human, more or less. The clerk set their face in the most neutral customer service expression they had as Ms. I-Demand-to-Speak-to-the-Manager approached.

“Auspicious arrival at Apothecary Arcane,” they greeted in a falsely chipper voice, mentally bracing for the coming onslaught.  

“I demand to speak to the manager!”

_Called it_

\---

**Name** : Sarah Baxter

**Date** : 12 April

**Item:**  Potion of Inner Sight

**Quantity:**  Three (3) vials

**Price:**  $12.95

**Reason Requested Return/Refund:**  JUST LOOK AT ME!!!

**Action Requested:**  I want my money back and I want this  _thing_  off my face! [REQUEST DENIED]

**Justification:**  If you don’t I’ll sue!

 

**\---- Employee use only ----**

 

**Comments:**  How hard is “Do not consume with alcohol” to follow? The warning label is  _bright yellow!_ How do you miss something like that? It clearly interacted poorly with extract of blue iris and essence of growing pains. If you want to go on a journey of introspection maybe don’t get wine drunk first.

Customer had grown third eye in the center of her forehead. Passive observation showed previously unnoticed signs of potential growth on back of neck, inside left ear, belly button, and both kneecaps. Ms Baxter was very keen on talking over me. If she had been more reasonable I would have tried harder to warn her about them. She shouldn’t have any trouble seeing labels in the future.

**Action taken:**  I posted a sign behind register reminding customers to read all directions and warnings thoroughly before use of product.

**Managerial Review:**  We are not liable for customer misuse of products sold at this establishment. If customer returns pass along attached card for cosmetic surgeon.  

 

* * *

 

 

A gangly young man in too small clothes ducked under the hanging chimes. His hair brushed against the lowest crystal. He kept his head tilted to one side to avoid cracking it on the ceiling.  

The clerk steadied themselves as he approached ready to point to the warning sign behind them. Expecting the sound of anger filling their mouth with anise, instead, the customer’s eyes lit up when they landeded on a display on a high shelf behind the counter.  

“Those,” he demanded, pointing to the three canisters stacked there. “Give me those. Now.”

“That would be... a bad idea.”

\---

 

**Name:**  Michael Ellingson

**Date:**  15 May

**Item:**  Get High

**Quantity:**  Five (5) packets

**Price:**  $22.89

**Reason Requested Return/Refund:**  I wanted something to get high, not tall! None of my clothes fit and I keep cracking my head on door frames.

**Action Requested:**  I want to alter my consciousness. You know, broaden my perspective. Give me the good shit. [REQUEST DENIED]

**Justification:**  False advertising, misleading packaging.  

**\---- Employee use only ----**

 

**Comments:**  Customer mistook a powder meant for a temporary height boost to be some kind of “recreational substance”. You would think that someone that intent on getting high would be able to recognize the difference between a buckeye leaf and a cannabis plant, but here we are. Mr Ellingson saw the cans of miniaturization minerals displayed above my head and without stopping to buy them, reached above me to take ALL THREE.

I tried to get him to read the sign.  

He didn’t read the sign.

I didn’t feel the anti-theft wards trigger so he’s still in here somewhere. Be careful where you step.

**Action taken:**  I left he pile of his clothes on the floor and have not swept the floor yet today. I’m not sure he would survive a trip through the vacuum cleaner.

**Managerial Review:**  Miniaturization minerals have a permanent effect on living tissue. Once Get High wears off Michael Ellingson might well get lost in the space between atoms. I suppose we should do something about that before he starves to death. Or we start getting visits from private investigators. Again. They will never make it stick but I’d rather not go through another manslaughter trial. Set up the temporary terrarium and I’ll get the  mega  ~~magnifire~~  out of storage. Whoops! Mega magn _ifier._  Giant, magnetized fire is not what we want if we are trying to  _avoid_  killing someone, even if he is a shoplifter.

 

* * *

 

 

Craig turned the bottle over in his hands. The hair coating his fingers slipped on the glass, he barely managed to catch it before it fell. “So I feel a bit, ah,  _sheepish_  about the whole situation.”

The clerk made a show of groaning and rolling their eyes before breaking into a smile. “That’s understandable, Mr Miller. At least you’re trying to pluck out the problem by the root."

“Nice one!” He set the bottle on the counter and examined his hands with a laugh. “What would my grandmother say if she could see how hairy my palms had gotten?”

\---

 

**Name:**  Craig “Harry” Miller

**Date:**  25 November

**Item:**  Hair Tonic

**Quantity:**  One (1) bottle

**Price:**  $48.99

**Reason Requested Return/Refund:**  Unwanted hair growth.

**Action Requested:**  Just some recommendations on products to deal with the problem.

**Justification:**  N/A [CUSTOMER TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR MISTAKE]

**\---- Employee use only ----**

 

**Comments:**  Customer consumed a tonic intended for topical use orally after misreading instructions resulting in full body hair growth. Thankfully, due to unpleasant taste, Mr Miller drank a significant amount of water immediately after. This likely prevented hair growth in the throat that could have been a respiratory and/or choking hazard. The stomach should be too acidic for hair to properly grow but, you know, magic. Hairballs  _may_  be an issue in the future.

**Action taken:**  Refund given as well as a complimentary first round of sonic therapy. It’s not often that I encounter a customer who admits to their own mistake and doesn’t make ridiculous demands. Besides, in all likelihood, he will need several more rounds of sonic therapy before unwanted hair growth ceases on its own.

**Managerial Review:**  Cultivating lasting customer relationships with repeat business is always a goal of any small business.

 

* * *

 

 

“You have to help me!”

The bitter taste of the whispered request startled the clerk from their cleaning. They hadn’t heard him come in. Before the clerk could respond he continued, “please, I need to exchange this.”

He had a hat pulled down low over his face and was shooting nervous glances behind him.

“Do you have your receipt?”

“I-- I think so.” The man set a bottle of dark, sparkling sand that flowed like liquid on the counter. He rummaged through his coat pockets and produced a wrinkled receipt. “Is this it?”

“That’s it. This shouldn’t take too long.”

\---

**Name:**  Adam [NO SECOND NAME GIVEN]

**Date:**  14 June 2025

**Item:**  Time in a Bottle

**Quantity:**  Unknown

**Price:**  Unknown

**Reason Requested Return/Refund:**  Purchased duplicate potion instead of reversal potion.

**Action Requested:**  Exchange for antidote or reverse potion or whatever. I just want to go home! Please send me back! [UNABLE TO FULFILL REQUEST]

**Justification** : I can’t live through it again, please don’t make me. Maybe you can stop it! You need to  **[REDACTED]**

 

**\---- Employee use only ----**

 

**Comments:**  No record of claimed purchase found. Neither item customer mentions match anything in current or past inventory. I thought Jerry form the Sorcerer's Storehouse had violated our prank war truce until I saw the [REDACTED] then the van pulled up. If it  _is_  Jerry then he put in more effort than his usual shenanigans. We will really need to step up our game to top this.

**Action taken:**  None. Customer was escorted away and into a dark van by several members of the military.

**Managerial Review:**  Do not discuss this incident outside of my office and  _certainly_ don’t tell Jerry.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of fun playing with this format of drabble set up and incident report followup.


End file.
